Oh how exciting. Now THIS has the potential to make politics interesting, irrespective of the new lows they happen to plumb over the next four years (click here).
I'm flying out to Japan tomorrow morning, and so probably will not be able to blog for the next three weeks. Not that you care.
Thursday 29 March 2007
Tuesday 27 March 2007
Recruitment Season Part 2
I always hear stories from HR about the weird and wonderful applications people send in during recruitment season. I always thought they were a bit of a stretch, until recently when I, trying to be a good corporate citizen, promoted my company's graduate program in Asia to my contacts. They obviously then sent it on to their contacts, because I then received some choice emails from random strangers. It was quite an experience - if I was in HR, I would be compiling a "Most Entertaining Applications" collection, publishing it and making some money on the side. I don't really want to embarrass anyone through specific references, so instead I have compiled an imaginary FAQ for all would-be applicants from here on:
- Do we send applications to you? No... All applications must go through the website. I cannot forward them to HR for you, because it's against my beliefs.
- Are you the hiring manager? No... I wish I was, but the company won't give me a free holiday.
- Can you be my referee? For a price.
- So what good are you to me then? It's called "currying favour" to "get an edge" through "inside information". Geez, what DO they teach in university these days?
- I graduated more than 12 months ago OR I won't graduate until after 2008 - can I apply? No, because it means you are either too old (which probably means you are as jaded as veterans like us) or too young (which means we have to teach you how to make coffee).
- Are the work hours long? As long as my... deal flow list. More deals = more hours = more bonus money. Pick your poison.
- Will I get paid well? That depends on your definition of "well".
- Are the people nice? That depends on your definition of "nice".
- Do I get to work in Australia? Of course not. We are hiring graduates in Asia for the Asian outposts because it is cheaper than sending a more senior person there. If we brought you here, that cancels out the expected cost savings, doesn't it? Basic business analysis. Go back to school.
- Do I need a commerce/business degree? Yes. Although sometimes we tolerate second-rate physicists because they have mad modelling skills. And maybe the odd Arts graduate or two because they are hot.
- Do I need to be good at maths? No. That's what second-rate physicists are for.
- Do I need to be good at English? No. We have an in-house random word generator that we use for drafting approval papers and loan agreements. We hire expensive top-tier lawyers to spell-check for us (and sometimes tell us where the random word generator went wrong).
- What do I need to know then? How to play golf; how to laugh at stupid racist/sexist jokes made by really really rich people; how many ping-pong balls will fit into a Boeing jumbo jet; how I like my coffee (strong, one sugar).
- Do we send applications to you? No... All applications must go through the website. I cannot forward them to HR for you, because it's against my beliefs.
- Are you the hiring manager? No... I wish I was, but the company won't give me a free holiday.
- Can you be my referee? For a price.
- So what good are you to me then? It's called "currying favour" to "get an edge" through "inside information". Geez, what DO they teach in university these days?
- I graduated more than 12 months ago OR I won't graduate until after 2008 - can I apply? No, because it means you are either too old (which probably means you are as jaded as veterans like us) or too young (which means we have to teach you how to make coffee).
- Are the work hours long? As long as my... deal flow list. More deals = more hours = more bonus money. Pick your poison.
- Will I get paid well? That depends on your definition of "well".
- Are the people nice? That depends on your definition of "nice".
- Do I get to work in Australia? Of course not. We are hiring graduates in Asia for the Asian outposts because it is cheaper than sending a more senior person there. If we brought you here, that cancels out the expected cost savings, doesn't it? Basic business analysis. Go back to school.
- Do I need a commerce/business degree? Yes. Although sometimes we tolerate second-rate physicists because they have mad modelling skills. And maybe the odd Arts graduate or two because they are hot.
- Do I need to be good at maths? No. That's what second-rate physicists are for.
- Do I need to be good at English? No. We have an in-house random word generator that we use for drafting approval papers and loan agreements. We hire expensive top-tier lawyers to spell-check for us (and sometimes tell us where the random word generator went wrong).
- What do I need to know then? How to play golf; how to laugh at stupid racist/sexist jokes made by really really rich people; how many ping-pong balls will fit into a Boeing jumbo jet; how I like my coffee (strong, one sugar).
Monday 26 March 2007
Recruitment Season Part 1
It is that time of the year when final year students of all shapes, sizes and IQ levels try to parlay their expensive degrees into somewhat meaningful careers - thereby absolving them of the guilt and regret they might otherwise feel for having spent most of their university lives passed out.
Most hopefuls I come in contact with are considering accounting, finance (I hate it when people lump those two together - they are clearly different and only an ignoramus would think otherwise), law or consulting. Clearly the poster boys for "meaningful careers". I guess this is because these careers don't really require an understanding of string theory (of which we have none), but plenty of fleece theory instead (of which we are abundant in). It's also the fastest way to repay the student loans from your parents/the government. A Nobel Prize takes, what, at least 25 years of hard slogging, and you only get $1 million (which you'll probably have to share)? In commerce or law, you can easily get that in 20*.
Sometimes we get randoms from the Arts faculty who have somehow come to the conclusion that studying Turkmenistani philosophy makes them perfect investment bankers. Maybe so, but until they can prove they know how to securitise and hedge it, they will have to settle on being management consultants (which they invariably do).
In commerce and law faculties throughout the sunburnt country, students listen with eagerness as waves of investment banks, law firms and consulting firms ply their wares. Nothing much changed from back in my days. Common themes become obvious early on:
- every bank, law firm and consulting firm is Number One at something... #1 junk bond syndications team... #1 M&A advisory house ("OF COURSE you should take them over!")... #1 in "most number of recycled knowledge peddled out to clients for fat fees"... #1 in "most number of conflicts of interest"...
- every student will try to impress, even the lowliest analyst or legal clerk, trying to curry favour to "give them an edge" during the interview process. Analysts and clerks, despite their enormous workload, usually like attending careers fairs because they get to lord it over students. It's the only ego boost they will get at that stage in their careers.
- there will be at least one director/partner (invariably male) representing at the careers fair who will hit on a much younger hottie (invariably female). And they will get away with it. This will earn great hate and respect from all male students, motivating them to emulate said director's/partner's success (for better or worse).
- students will all try to ask questions which to them sound unique and intelligent... not realising that question has already been asked (probably originally by me all those years ago), is no longer unique, and makes you sound like a twat who doesn't deserve to even work as a doorman for any of these prestigious firms.
- firms will usually fall into two categories: those that boast about their "work-life balance", and those that scoff at it. The former will bait those Generation Y'ers who believe work is an optional activity, just like lunchtime soccer, yoga, and committed relationships. The latter will bait those who think they are "elite" and have no use for such nonsense as exercise, family, or the ability to make decisions without using nested IF functions, and hence don't need balance. Either way, the end result is eager beavers of today ---> rocket fuel for tomorrow.
Anyway, I was asked to participate in this year's carnival to represent my employer and paint it in glowing terms. As much as the afternoon off would have been nice, I declined for two reasons:
- another firm is still using their three-year-old brochures... and I'm in it. How you could justify using the same brochure when over half the people in it have left is a mystery to me. This has to be in breach of TPA or something.
- they stuffed up my original application... twice. I am still bitter over this.
As a compromise, I voluntarily promoted our graduate program via email to contacts, especially for the Asian offices. Actually this is rather interesting on its own, and deserves its own post later. For now, I must find some other distraction from this stupid game of chicken that we are playing with the client.
* Under certain unrealistic Modigliani-Miller-type assumptions.
Most hopefuls I come in contact with are considering accounting, finance (I hate it when people lump those two together - they are clearly different and only an ignoramus would think otherwise), law or consulting. Clearly the poster boys for "meaningful careers". I guess this is because these careers don't really require an understanding of string theory (of which we have none), but plenty of fleece theory instead (of which we are abundant in). It's also the fastest way to repay the student loans from your parents/the government. A Nobel Prize takes, what, at least 25 years of hard slogging, and you only get $1 million (which you'll probably have to share)? In commerce or law, you can easily get that in 20*.
Sometimes we get randoms from the Arts faculty who have somehow come to the conclusion that studying Turkmenistani philosophy makes them perfect investment bankers. Maybe so, but until they can prove they know how to securitise and hedge it, they will have to settle on being management consultants (which they invariably do).
In commerce and law faculties throughout the sunburnt country, students listen with eagerness as waves of investment banks, law firms and consulting firms ply their wares. Nothing much changed from back in my days. Common themes become obvious early on:
- every bank, law firm and consulting firm is Number One at something... #1 junk bond syndications team... #1 M&A advisory house ("OF COURSE you should take them over!")... #1 in "most number of recycled knowledge peddled out to clients for fat fees"... #1 in "most number of conflicts of interest"...
- every student will try to impress, even the lowliest analyst or legal clerk, trying to curry favour to "give them an edge" during the interview process. Analysts and clerks, despite their enormous workload, usually like attending careers fairs because they get to lord it over students. It's the only ego boost they will get at that stage in their careers.
- there will be at least one director/partner (invariably male) representing at the careers fair who will hit on a much younger hottie (invariably female). And they will get away with it. This will earn great hate and respect from all male students, motivating them to emulate said director's/partner's success (for better or worse).
- students will all try to ask questions which to them sound unique and intelligent... not realising that question has already been asked (probably originally by me all those years ago), is no longer unique, and makes you sound like a twat who doesn't deserve to even work as a doorman for any of these prestigious firms.
- firms will usually fall into two categories: those that boast about their "work-life balance", and those that scoff at it. The former will bait those Generation Y'ers who believe work is an optional activity, just like lunchtime soccer, yoga, and committed relationships. The latter will bait those who think they are "elite" and have no use for such nonsense as exercise, family, or the ability to make decisions without using nested IF functions, and hence don't need balance. Either way, the end result is eager beavers of today ---> rocket fuel for tomorrow.
Anyway, I was asked to participate in this year's carnival to represent my employer and paint it in glowing terms. As much as the afternoon off would have been nice, I declined for two reasons:
- another firm is still using their three-year-old brochures... and I'm in it. How you could justify using the same brochure when over half the people in it have left is a mystery to me. This has to be in breach of TPA or something.
- they stuffed up my original application... twice. I am still bitter over this.
As a compromise, I voluntarily promoted our graduate program via email to contacts, especially for the Asian offices. Actually this is rather interesting on its own, and deserves its own post later. For now, I must find some other distraction from this stupid game of chicken that we are playing with the client.
* Under certain unrealistic Modigliani-Miller-type assumptions.
Wednesday 14 March 2007
There is a bit of downtime at the moment. We are putting the finishing touches to the board paper seeking approval for the deal we are working on. I hear there will be at least four, possibly six, board members sitting to listen and approve/decline the deal. This is not good. Normally there is only two or three. More board members means more brains thinking of ways to trip you up. This current downtime has the eerie feel of the eye of a storm.
Downtime has benefits beyond thinking of the multitude of ways your carefully crafted deal might fall over. For instance, I've been able to read more news, such as this (click here). This is shameful. If I were the president, this would never happen on my watch.
UPDATE
Had some tech difficulties at work, so couldn't publish the above post. Anyway, since the above was written, we had held the board meeting to discuss the deal. Seven board members participated in person or by phone. After fielding the expected questions, and managing to satisfactorily answer a left-field question (how do you prepare for a question on legal risks that arose from the board member being privy to confidential information on a similar business he happened to be an adviser to?), we received approval for our deal. Now we just need the client to accept the terms, and we are good to go... very relieved to have this deal go through.
Downtime has benefits beyond thinking of the multitude of ways your carefully crafted deal might fall over. For instance, I've been able to read more news, such as this (click here). This is shameful. If I were the president, this would never happen on my watch.
UPDATE
Had some tech difficulties at work, so couldn't publish the above post. Anyway, since the above was written, we had held the board meeting to discuss the deal. Seven board members participated in person or by phone. After fielding the expected questions, and managing to satisfactorily answer a left-field question (how do you prepare for a question on legal risks that arose from the board member being privy to confidential information on a similar business he happened to be an adviser to?), we received approval for our deal. Now we just need the client to accept the terms, and we are good to go... very relieved to have this deal go through.
Look who's come crawling back...
I am floundering here. Too much to learn. Too many variables. Model is ugly and does not flow properly, requiring me to fix them at every scenario change. Hence, not enough time allocated for frivolous (but entirely cathartic) blogging. Until tonight anyway.
Yes, I haven't posted for over two months of this fledgling blog. I will make a very bad father. A great uncle, maybe, the favourite uncle that buys lots of nice expensive presents and doesn't mind wearing the crappy pirate costume for impromptu comedy. But based on my ability to devote time to a newborn blog, and extrapolating that 20 years into the future, and adjusting for terminal value, the NPV of my fatherly instincts are almost zero. I contend it's not negative in an effort to convince myself it is worth improving, and also for the unproven correlation between blogging frequency and fatherhood.
Anyway, I have been working fairly average IB hours since starting in my new role. Actually we just finished writing up a deal, which has given me enough breathing time to be writing this entry up and then playing indoor soccer later tonight. OK "playing" might be an overstatement; my job is to dynamically occupy enough space so as to minimise the other team's score. I can't even call it goalkeeping... I think it's more akin to space-hogging.
New plan is to try and write short entries while waiting for a model to fall on my lap (the financial kind, unfortunately), or sipping my hot chocolate while updating myself on the news, and write the longer ponderings at home in front of the TV (note to self: multitasking is bad for you).
Let's see if we can keep up the new plan.
Yes, I haven't posted for over two months of this fledgling blog. I will make a very bad father. A great uncle, maybe, the favourite uncle that buys lots of nice expensive presents and doesn't mind wearing the crappy pirate costume for impromptu comedy. But based on my ability to devote time to a newborn blog, and extrapolating that 20 years into the future, and adjusting for terminal value, the NPV of my fatherly instincts are almost zero. I contend it's not negative in an effort to convince myself it is worth improving, and also for the unproven correlation between blogging frequency and fatherhood.
Anyway, I have been working fairly average IB hours since starting in my new role. Actually we just finished writing up a deal, which has given me enough breathing time to be writing this entry up and then playing indoor soccer later tonight. OK "playing" might be an overstatement; my job is to dynamically occupy enough space so as to minimise the other team's score. I can't even call it goalkeeping... I think it's more akin to space-hogging.
New plan is to try and write short entries while waiting for a model to fall on my lap (the financial kind, unfortunately), or sipping my hot chocolate while updating myself on the news, and write the longer ponderings at home in front of the TV (note to self: multitasking is bad for you).
Let's see if we can keep up the new plan.
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