Why bankers + free time = stupidity

Often, simply saying "I'm an investment banker" is enough to make women (esp at Establishment) swoon... if that's your thing. This list is for the more discerning banker, one who is trying to find a woman who is switched on and "gets it". And there's no better way to test her "getting-it-ness" than to pile on the jargon and see. So here we present the latest Frankenstein lovechild of banker brain power and permanently adolescent humour: banker pick-up lines.

1) Let's correlate.
2) That's not a Capital Market Line in my pocket.
3) No, it's not a Laplace distribution either.
4) I'm a big fan of two-asset models.
5) Only the price-earnings ratio matters, baby... your price, and my earnings.
6) You're already a positive NPV investment. (I've lowered my expected rate of return.)
7) I'd like to be on your efficient frontier.
8) I'll be the alpha, you be the beta.
9) I'm long-only.
10) I'd like to Ctrl + "+" then C if you'll let me.
11) I'm into M&M. No, I'm not talking about the chocolates either.
12) May I toggle your PIKs?
13) You can subordinate me tonight.
14) I'm experienced in long, drawn-out mergers.
15) Baby, you are the market portfolio.


P.S. I like this. "Take a quick look around you right now. If you are surrounded by attractive models, fast cars, and high-quality cocaine, you have a good pickup line. Either that or you are an investment banker, in which case you also probably have syphilis."

P.P.S. I don't have syphilis. Honestly.

What's he saying?

After Citi's $5.9B third quarter writedown, what is the very regal Citi CEO Charles O. Prince III saying here?


(a) "But luckily for me, it was your 5.9 billion dollars."
(b) "And I'll see YOU in the penthouse *wink*"
(c) "If I go down, you're coming with me."
(d) "You stay classy, Planet Earth."
(e) "Quick pull my finger, I can't hold it anymore!"

EXXXcel

You know you have a serious problem when this turns you on. I have already scheduled my appointment with a shrink.

I am where I should be.

R.I.P. Rockett Stepdad. I know you'd be stoked about where I am and what I do. Thanks for believing in me. I am where I should be. My only regret is, you only got to see it in your mind's eye.

Labour Day Holiday (oxymoron alert)

Last week was a little quieter than I expected. Or rather, my expectation did not normalise for the fact that last week was the annual Private Equity Schoolies Week, hence nothing gets done, unless you include golf and mistresses (phwoar indeed). It's like the grown-up version of all those school excursions to fun places... a site/activity is chosen, and it is somehow made to look weakly related to the curriculum to justify miles of beaches (Geography), Men's Gallery (Phys Ed), and rollercoasters (Maths, what else).

With the market being so hot right now (yawn), the office environment becomes a tinderbox, ready to explode at any moment. For example, on Friday night we nearly had to settle a heated argument about where we should go for Friday night drinks... with a coin toss. Luckily my leadership skills saved the day, and everyone managed to have an equally bad time all round.

Yesterday being a Labour Day holiday in this fair city, I decided to take advantage of the great weather and leave the office, Jimmy Cayne-style, for a game of golf. Unfortunately I had some trouble procuring my golf clubs (they are 'in transit', so to speak), and so I was reduced to borrowing the clubs for hire. Any hardcore belief that golf is a non-discriminatory sport was quickly assuaged by the fact that I, as a tall southpaw, was given the worst set of clubs I have seen in my life. I couldn't hold the clubs without nearly sitting down. The putter was short, skinny, crooked, and went both ways... who wants a stick like that? Needless to say, the craftsman was frustrated by his tools. I would have scored better kicking the ball along.

In general news unrelated to my golfing prowess:

UBS and Citi write off enough money for the past three months to give US $1 to every person alive (give or take a few dollars).

RAMS sells name to get cash to delay its death. I wish I could sell my name to pay off my debts too.