Recruitment Season Part 2

I always hear stories from HR about the weird and wonderful applications people send in during recruitment season. I always thought they were a bit of a stretch, until recently when I, trying to be a good corporate citizen, promoted my company's graduate program in Asia to my contacts. They obviously then sent it on to their contacts, because I then received some choice emails from random strangers. It was quite an experience - if I was in HR, I would be compiling a "Most Entertaining Applications" collection, publishing it and making some money on the side. I don't really want to embarrass anyone through specific references, so instead I have compiled an imaginary FAQ for all would-be applicants from here on:

- Do we send applications to you? No... All applications must go through the website. I cannot forward them to HR for you, because it's against my beliefs.

- Are you the hiring manager? No... I wish I was, but the company won't give me a free holiday.

- Can you be my referee? For a price.

- So what good are you to me then? It's called "currying favour" to "get an edge" through "inside information". Geez, what DO they teach in university these days?

- I graduated more than 12 months ago OR I won't graduate until after 2008 - can I apply? No, because it means you are either too old (which probably means you are as jaded as veterans like us) or too young (which means we have to teach you how to make coffee).

- Are the work hours long? As long as my... deal flow list. More deals = more hours = more bonus money. Pick your poison.

- Will I get paid well? That depends on your definition of "well".

- Are the people nice? That depends on your definition of "nice".

- Do I get to work in Australia? Of course not. We are hiring graduates in Asia for the Asian outposts because it is cheaper than sending a more senior person there. If we brought you here, that cancels out the expected cost savings, doesn't it? Basic business analysis. Go back to school.

- Do I need a commerce/business degree? Yes. Although sometimes we tolerate second-rate physicists because they have mad modelling skills. And maybe the odd Arts graduate or two because they are hot.

- Do I need to be good at maths? No. That's what second-rate physicists are for.

- Do I need to be good at English? No. We have an in-house random word generator that we use for drafting approval papers and loan agreements. We hire expensive top-tier lawyers to spell-check for us (and sometimes tell us where the random word generator went wrong).

- What do I need to know then? How to play golf; how to laugh at stupid racist/sexist jokes made by really really rich people; how many ping-pong balls will fit into a Boeing jumbo jet; how I like my coffee (strong, one sugar).